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Ring in the Winter Olympics Bracket Busting style

Strap in for the bracket that breaks down what Winter Olympic sports entertain me most. The 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea have kicked off, or are we pretending its just Korea for these 16 days? I'm a little confused on that point. Maybe it will lead to lasting peace, who knows?

There are 15 Winter Olympic Sports, highly inconvenient for a 16 seed bracket so I had to invent a 16th participant and thought the Olympic qualification round fit that billing rather well. Much like every #16 seed, up to this point, their only meaningful action occurred before they made it to the big stage.

Seeding (remember its in the order I find them entertaining)

1) Ice Hockey (Only mainstream sport in the field its easily #1)

2) Figure Skating (Just wait, you'll see why its ranked so high)

3) Alpine Skiing (Downhill Skiing for the layperson)

4) Bobsleigh (I know I thought it was sled too)

5) Ski Jump (French fries, no pizza)

6) Luge (solo bobsleigh)

7) Speed Skating (So sleek, so fast)

8) Snowboard (Tony Hawk + Snow = Shaun White)

10) Freestyle Skiing (Mo Moguls, Mo Problems)

11) Skeleton (Reverse Luge with way less protective gear - the NFL of Winter Ice entombed road sports)

12) Short Track Speed Skating (I guess at some point speed skating was taking too long? <Confused Emoji>)

13) Biatholon (The answer to, how do we make XC skiing more exciting? With guns of course - but it didn't work...yet?)

14) Cross Country Skiing (Let's make walking go slightly faster, not as fast as running kinda between the two)

15) Nordic Combined (Ski Jump & Cross Country - like mixing a vintage red with a cheap white to make a barely palatable rose, but if there's nothing else around it'll get drunk)

16) Qualifying (see above)

First Round Matchups

The most obvious winners are 1-5 seeds and none of those matchups were close, so no discussion needed. Our first seeding upset comes in the 6 vs. 11 matchup where Skeleton takes out its ancestor, Luge. Skeleton is the younger, cooler, step-sibling of Luge. Skeleton always gets her way and always has the coolest new iphone and video game system, she got a car on her 16th birthday and meanwhile Luge is just doing everything by the book as he should and typically getting crapped on. Well Luge get ready because more crap is coming in this round, Skeleton just owned you and moved on to the elite eight.

The 7 vs. 10 match was the most intriguing. I love moguls but the half and super pipes promise amazing aerial acrobatics that force 50 year old sports announcers to use terms like double cork and pretzel outside of a bar. So Freestyle Skiing takes it. Also the over/under on number of "money booters" in the first round of freestyle is 6.5.

The next upset where I bet many of you readers disagree with me is 9) Curling dropping its rocks all over 8) Snowboarding. I was always a skier in my youth so I'll freely admit my bias but in more valid defense of my choice, curling is shuffle board...on ICE...WITH BROOMS! Its such a goofy assembly of elements for a sport that when I watch it I expect something random like a trapdoor to open if you sweep the right spot or a prize to fall out of the rocks if you hit them together hard enough which should also lead to a huge point bonus and the game ends (a la golden snitch rules). I don't even fully understand the rules but Curling takes this matchup.

Elite Eight round

The elite eight round brings some surprising matchups including the very first where Curling has its hands full competing with Ice Hockey. Lucky for Curling the NHL did not allow any of its players to go to the Olympics this year so I'd rather watch the Mighty Ducks take down evil Iceland (which is mostly not made of ice, ironically) for the millionth time, Bash bros and Knuckle puck for life! Congrats on the NHL mishandling yet another promotion of its sport Curling, you take the Cinderella crown for now but watch out because in the early matchup of the bottom bracket section Skeleton is making their case for the glass slipper as well.

After dismissing their aging ancestor, Luge, in round one Skeleton watched the Giant Slalom and the Super G then said "Hold my beer Alpine Skiing, just need to put on this bike helmet, jump on my plastic lunch tray and hurtle down a single lane ice highway without being able to see ahead of me or having a real way to slow down or stop." When you think about it in these terms its really no surprise #11 is moving on to the final four!

Now for the tried and true skill matchups. Its a tough draw for speed skating in the number seven seed. Much like an ACC dark horse running into Duke or UNC in their region, Figure skating just does all of what speed skating does better. Lets run through the categories:

Flair - advantage Figure Skating

Costumes - advantage F.S.

Directional arm movements - advantage F.S.

More likely to have an embarrassing fall - advantage F.S.

Absurdly high judging standards and insanely inane nitpicking - SUPER ADVANTAGE F.S.

Sweet reflective glasses - advantage Speed Skating

5-2 in favor of Figure Skating so sorry Speed Skating, I was pulling for you as the 7 seed until your star point guard fouled out and the three's stopped falling and it wasn't close anymore.

Four seed Bobsleigh versus five seed Ski Jump features the rarely seen matchup of two Mario party mini game events. Mario Party called it Bobsled Run because it wasn't pretentious and the key was having DK or Wario on your team because I don't care what anyone says the stupid N64 definitely took weight into consideration in those sleds. Relying on your teammates to carry the weight can help sometime like here but is can also lead to well you knew I had to follow the last link with this. Ski Jump reminds me of the South Park skiing episode "if you go too fast you're gonna have a bad time." If you have never done the Nintendo wii fit Ski Jump event you'll never know how to develop shin splints by standing still but man did I crush everyone's record on that event, the key was always timing. Ski Jump knows the timing is the key and they execute when and where Bobsleigh does not in this matchup and comes up on top but don't worry the egg is ok!

The final four is set:

11) Skeleton vs 2) Figure Skating

9) Curling vs. 5) Ski Jump

Curling has finally met its match. Over powered by devastating control and the occasional crushing crashes of Ski Jump Curling can no longer gets its rocks off, the ice that is, as its luck runs out against the impressive skill of landing the big jump time after time.

All our Cinderellas seem to be troubled in the final four round - fitting I suppose with the history of typical March Madness trends. Skeleton sure has the spunk, surprise and downright daring insight to keep me tuned it almost always but think about the resume and history it is up against from Figure Skating. It's given us the Nancy Kerrigan, Tonya Harding drama-dey, and I don't think any documentary focused outside that topic was permitted on TV for the past two years. Who could forget the epic final routine of Michaels & MacElroy? Or who could forget this:

And I'm sure there's been some impressive real figure skating moments too. I think Michelle Kwan did some pretty awesome things, and Brian Boitano has a fun name and the fun South Park song too. The history and experience Figure Skating is bringing to this matchup cannot be paced by the inexperienced Skeleton. F.S. is a honed veteran prepared for this long run through the bracket.

Figure Skating versus Ski Jump for all the bracket glory.

Who takes home the championship? Lets take a different approach to both competitions and really explore the forgotten about aspects of each. Ski jumpers at full tilt are almost parallel to their skis! That's insane since its physically impossible to be parallel to something you are connected to and yet they almost achieve it.

Figure Skating's forgot entertainment value comes from the insane commentator's critiques and the judges slightest docking of points. F.S. judges and announcers absurdly high standards and inane comments are only comparable to those of Summer Olympics Gymnastics judges and commentators. "Did you see that left ankle rotation on her landing Julie? That is going to cost her at least two tenths of a point." Meanwhile, those of us sane viewers are amazed she landed a backward triple axle. "Anyone else notice his shoulder wideness on that last lift and spin?” Nope totally missed that, I must’ve been distracted by the other human being he was tossing into the air then catching and twirling her, didn’t have time to measure his shoulder separation. C’mon man, either strap on your skates and show him how its done or shut up and be amazed like the rest of us.

For its announcing buffoonery, pure skill, incredible ice dancing, aerial gymnastics on a blade that could cut the tension the skaters feel awaiting their final scoring, Figure Skating takes the Gold and walks away with the Bracket bragging rights as most entertaining Winter Olympic sport.

Those are my favorites and my winner, tell me how your bracket would shake out in the comments below.

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